E-mails

So just like everyone else, bands get spam e-mails from all types of people, most of these are for boner enhancement or pyramid schemes, you know the usual e-mail stuff.  Sometimes, however, we get e-mails from people claiming to want some sort of working relationship with Johnny Cakes, but who are clearly just after our money. Sometimes I write them back and tell them what's up.  The other day, we received this e-mail from a company called Monolith Management:

Hey guys, 
It's Jason with Monolith Management.
We checked our your stuff online and think that you'd be a great fit for our management company.
We just released our new website that has all the details you need to know about us and how we can help your band become successful at www.monolithmanagement.com. We have 25+ services that are utilized by our amazing managers- this makes us one of the best management companies out there.
We usually require bands to apply to work with us, but we've already checked your band out. So, you're all good.
What's the best phone number to reach you at? It'll only take a couple minutes to answer questions you may have and get you guys on board.
Let's do some damage together,
Jason Dempsey
A&R Representative
Monolith Management

So, this e-mail does not really suggest to me that they actually checked out any of our stuff online.  If they did they would quickly realize that our reputation is more about vandalizing restrooms, exceeding weight limits of stages, and fart jokes than it is about being serious musicians.  A quick look at the website told me all that I needed.  Basically they want between $100-$500 per month for their management services.  Maybe their management services are great, I don't know.  I doubt it since they are spamming us with generic e-mails and I'm not about to start shelling out money to find out:

So here was my reply:

Hey Jason,
I'm glad you like our songs and think we would be a great fit for your management company.  Did you listen to this one about peeing in the butt?  Or this one about butt sex?  Or this awesome video about learning to play the guitar (and butt sex)?  I assume you must have, why else would you want manage us? 

That said, I really don't think we can be associated with the kind of pervert who would want to manage a band that has so many songs about butts.  What do you have some kind of sick butt fetish?  It's okay, we're not going to judge you, but (the conjunction not the body part, can you please stop thinking about rear ends for one sentence Jason) I don't  think it would be good for our image to have a management company that employs individuals who are liable to lapse into an uncontrollable butt frenzy at any given moment.  We're really trying to go after a wholesome family friendly image and I don't think that your preoccupation with rumps is going to help us with that.   

Also, we already have a manager.  His name is Skippy and he is a penguin.  Admittedly, he spends all of our money on hookers and sardines, but he's more of a leg man so he won't be attracting those kind of negative attention that your bizarre gluteus maximus fancy.  I have attached a photograph of Skippy to this message, because I thought you would like it and I am required to do so in every 5th e-mail I send as part of our management contract with him.  Here is a link to his Facebook page.  

I took the liberty of signing you up for Skippy's e-mail list.  He mostly sends out haikus and links to sardine porn, but I though that might help take your mind off of backsides for a little while.
Good luck with the managements, 

Ostrich

Johnny Cakes and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypso

I haven't heard back from him yet, but I will update this if he responds.   Here is the photo of Skippy that I sent him.  I think it's a pretty good one.

Edit:  He wrote us back, here is a link to part 2.